That's Not A Stick Shift!
by Torlicious
Summary: When Zim wants Dib to teach him how to drive, the two start feeling more like friends than enemies. ZADR slashy goodness! Rating may go up.


Heh, I've been wanting to write this for some time now. I thought of this one day when I was reading other slash fics dealing with IZ, and realized nobody has ever really written one that dealt with the two driving! And that's usually a big thing in the teen years. So I decided to to give it a shot. Enjoy my cheesy humor.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Invader Zim and all of its characters all belong to the great Jhonen Vasquez. I only wish I owned them.  
  
*= Emphasis  
  
~~~  
That's Not A Stick Shift! p.1  
By: A Random Idiot  
~~~  
  
"Computer! Tell me more about this vehicle these filthy humans call a car," Zim said to the computer that ran his base and lab. Since Zim, who thought he was practically immortal now since his unusual growth spurt, was almost made alien road kill by a car earlier that day, he wanted to know more about them. Sure, he'd seen plenty, but he never cared to learn about them; until now. If it had the power to run someone over such as the mighty Zim, he wondered what *he* could do with it.  
  
The computer responded after several minutes, revealing a few pictures of cars that were sleek brand new models, and began to speak in its monotone voice. "A car is considered the most popular way of transportation on Earth. It consists of four wheels, and the inside is made up of cushiony or leather seats that you sit in while you drive. The steering wheel is used to tell the car where it's going. Gas pedals are used to speed the car up. Brakes are to slow it down or stop it. Keys are usually needed to start a car up, and to open the doors."  
  
Zim stared slack jawed at the computer screen, his red eyes locked on the picture of a 2007 (A/N: Yes, this is the year it takes place in.) model of a Honda Civic. "It's green, just like me," he said, drool starting to come out of his mouth. "And it's shiny." The alien rubbed his gloved hands together, and he narrowed his eyes. "I must drive that thing."  
  
A crash sounded, alerting Zim that GIR was in his lab. A second later, a disguised GIR came in, and in his paw was a chocolate slushy, one of Zim's worst nightmares. The Irken sighed and slapped himself. "Oh no."  
  
"Whee hee hee hee!" GIR screamed as he ran into a wall. His chocolate slushy hit the computer. Sparks flew out of it, and the screen went blank.  
  
"Noooooooo!" Zim cried as his picture of the car vanished. He glared at the dog form of GIR. But before he could scold his robot, GIR was jumping up and down and screaming.  
  
"Master master! Look at my dance! I'm all dancy!" he screamed as he started rolling around on the floor. It almost looked as if he was having a seizure. Sparks flew out of his head, and his dog costume started falling off.  
  
"GIR! Stop it this instant and leave! Watch that horrible monkey of yours or something!" Zim shouted irritably as he cleaned his computer off. GIR went ran over to him, his disguise hanging off of his body.  
  
"But master it's over! It was a good show. I love that show!" GIR said lovingly. Zim just glared at his robot.   
"I said to leave GIR! I'm working!"  
"But you were drooling when I came in!" GIR replied with a laugh. Zim glared at him again. He pointed to the door.   
"Out! Now!"  
  
GIR's tongue was hanging out of his mouth, and big goofy smile was painted on him. He shot his hand up to his forehead, and a jingling rang inside. "Okie dokie!" And with that, he was gone to wreak havoc somewhere else.  
  
Zim went back to his computer, which had returned to its normal condition. The green car was on the screen again, and Zim was staring again. "Wooow," he said as his eyes were locked on it. "Computer! What must I do to get this awesome power filled vehicle?!" The computer processed its files for a second, and spoke.   
  
"Most humans get drivers' liscences before going to get a car," it responded. Zim's eyes were filled with even more curiosity. He put a hand to his chin and rested it there. "What is this drivers' liscence?" he asked the computer.  
"A drivers' liscence is a sign of identification, and allows you to drive. It also allows you to do other things once you reach a certain age and you are asked for it."  
  
Doubt started forming in the back of Zim's mind. He really didn't want to get an identification thingy, because he might be discovered. Plus, if this car idea didn't work out, he still had the Voot Runner. But the 7 years of being on Earth had taken its toll on the advanced machine, be it the intense battles the Irken fought with it, or GIR's mayhem spreading.   
  
But the car was green. And the Voot Runner wasn't...  
  
"Computer! How do I get this drivers' liscence?" Zim ordered.  
"To obtain a drivers' liscence, you must pass a test in which you answer questions and drive with an instructor. If the instructor thinks you're worthy of driving, you get a drivers' liscence. Then you will be able to get a car," the computer replied.   
  
Zim shut the computer off of its information mode and put it back in its security one. He went back up to the top of his base and started pacing. GIR was on his head and spinning around in fast circles with his legs sticking out. Thus, he was doing the almighty breakdance move.   
  
The invader ignored his SIR's actions and pondered. 'Now how will I do this? I, the great ZIM, must do this as human as possible. Therefore, I must seek out a human to teach me how to drive. Aargh! But I only know a few filthy worm babies! Let me see... There's Keef...' Zim immediately shuddred, knowing Keef probably wasn't allowed to drive since it would give him an advantage when he stalked.   
  
'Who else? Well..." he frowned. 'No one. This just has to be difficult! The only other human is...' "No!" Zim shouted out loud. "I refuse to let him teach me how to drive!" GIR stopped his twirling and looked toward his master. He smiled insanely, almost creepily.  
  
"Ooo! Let Dib teach you how to drive! Then you can take me to get tacos with piggy! Me and piggy are friends! Wanna see piggy?!" GIR asked, showing a stuffed pig that materialized out of no where. Zim blinked, getting annoyed with GIR's little squeaky animal friends.   
  
"No GIR, I don't want to see that inferior friend of yours! And I'm not letting that filthy Dib-human teach me how to drive!" Zim retorted, holding his ground against the adorable robot. GIR's tongue hung out of his mouth again, and his grin grew wider, if that was robotically possible.   
  
Zim immediately backed away. Imminent doom was coming, he could sense it. "What's wrong, GIR?! Tell me now!" he shouted, sounding a bit uneasy. GIR just sat for a minute before replying.  
"I'M GONNA EXPLODE!" he cried joyfully. "Hee hee hee!" With that, the deranged SIR ran around in circles, heating up and ready to blow up.  
  
Zim didn't want to be around when it happened. GIR was exploding because he wanted Zim to let Dib teach him how to drive anyway, so that's where Irken decided to head off to. He checked to see if his disguise was on in the mirror. He noticed the wig was on, his red tank top, baggy black pants, and black boots, but didn't notice his contacts. He noticed them on the couch and ran to them. The Irken grabbed them, slapped them on, and ran out the door.  
  
***  
  
Dib clutched a pillow in his hand as he watched 'Jason Goes To Hollywood.' He wasn't clutching the pillow because he was scared. He was clutching it because this movie was so horrible and nothing else was on television until 3:00.   
  
"Man, you'd think they'd stop making the sequels after the 15th one!" Dib shouted.   
"Shut up in there!" Gaz shouted from her room. Dib frowned and brought his knees up to his chest, waiting for the horror to end.   
  
He really hadn't changed over time. Not even his opinions about movies had. Dib still had the same scythe like haircut (though it was starting to get a bit wavy like his father's), same big glasses, and same taste in clothes. He usually wore dark blue jeans with his black boots, his trench coat, and tight black shirts underneath. He got taller, a lot taller. But his glory of towering over Zim was short lived. A few days later, Zim ended up being taller than him.  
  
Dib's obssession with Zim never stopped either. Even though they were now in their senior year of high school, their fights were still intense, still frequent. They were still both picked on, both considered geeks or weirdos. People even accused the two of being an item at times since the two were so obssessed with each other.   
  
And Dib knew that was definately *not* it! No way in hell would he ever fall for such an arrogant, vain, egotistical, maniacal, well built, nice skinned...  
  
Dib's thoughts were interrupted when the doorbell rang. He was going to thank whoever it was since it gave him something else to do than watch crappo horror/comedy films. He walked over to the door, opened it, and immediately frowned.   
  
"Zim?! What are you doing here?!" Dib asked as he jumped three feet away. Zim was frowning and rolling his eyes, clearly not liking this either. "Look earth monkey, I command you to teach me how to drive!" the Irken shouted, pointing at Dib.   
"You... command me? Nobody commands me Zim! Now tell me what you're up to!" Dib shouted back.  
"I just told you." Zim walked into the house getting closer to Dib. "You will teach me how to drive, for I want to get a car."  
  
And eyebrow was lifted in confusion as Dib stared at Zim. "You have a ton of technology so you can fly and shoot things, but you wanna drive a car?" Zim growled.  
"Do not question my orders stinkbeast! Now come, you will teach me how to drive right now!" Zim yelled as he roughly grabbed Dib's arm and pulled him out of the house.   
  
Dib started hitting at the taller boy's arm, trying to get him to let go. "Hey, I will not teach you how to drive! I don't know what you're up to! Hey!" he shouted as he was rammed against his 1980's-esque car. Zim tried to open the car door, but with no luck. "Damn these vehicles that require keys!" he spat to his frustration. Dib laughed.   
"Ha! I have the keys, so unless you decide to be nice and not try to anal probe me like you did five years ago or abduct me like last month, I won't do a damn thing for you!"  
  
Zim growled again, and since he was closer, it made Dib almost yelp in surprise. Frustration was evident in Zim's voice when he answered. "I just want to make this quick Dib-human! Now hurry and show me what to do," he said, roughly letting go of Dib and walking over to the driver's side.  
  
Dib walked over to him and looked him in the eye. "What do you think you're doing?!" he asked Zim.  
"I'm going to drive stupid." Zim closed his eyes in annoyance.   
"Oh no you're not," Dib said walking Zim over to the passenger's side of the car. Zim folded his arms across his chest and huffed.  
"Why not?!"  
"Do you want to learn how to drive or not?" The Irken almost yelled but stayed at the assigned side.  
"I hate mind games!" Dib smirked. He took the keys out of his trenchcoat pocket, and unlocked the door for Zim.  
  
"Get in," Dib said as he went to the other side and sat in the seat. Zim sat down as well and slammed the door shut.   
"Okay Zim," Dib said, "Pay attention." Zim looked at him menacingly. Dib gulped. He shook his head, and set out to teach.  
  
"Okay, now this is the stick shift," Dib said pointing toward a small object in between the two seats they were sitting in. Zim looked at it, almost confused. "What does it do?" he asked.  
"It helps you change gears so you drive. But don't worry, most cars don't have these anymore. But you still probably have a lot to learn, being you're a stupid alien..."  
"Do not opress my superior race!" Zim shouted. "Now keep teaching."  
  
Dib put the keys in the ignition, making sure Zim was watching. It actually made Dib kind of wary, wondering if Zim was bothering to look at him. He'd actually like that. What was he thinking?!  
"Ok, first, you start up the car by turning the key all the way," Dib said, starting the car. The car started making the usual noise it made, and it rang in the Dib's trainee's ears loudly.  
Zim's eyes widened in shock. "My god, what is this horror you have unleashed?!" Zim exclaimed, flailing his arms around.   
  
"Hey, stop freaking out! I just started..." Dib screamed then groaned when Zim hit him in the crotch, and fell over against the car door.  
"Make it stop, make it stop!" Zim screamed as he continued to kick and scream. Dib reached over quickly and turned the car off. Zim sighed.  
  
"Ah, that's better," the invader said happily. The ringing in his ears stopped, and he slumped down in the seat. He heard Dib whimper though, and looked over at him. "What's the matter, earthstink?" he asked coldly.  
  
"Oh nothing," Dib said, his voice sounding more high pitched than usual. He hugged his knees to his chest and started rocking his body back and forth. Zim's eyes narrowed. "There has to be something wrong, because it looks as if you have the sweater monkey virus."  
Dib stared at Zim. "Zim... what the hell is the sweater monkey virus?"  
"You humans do not get the sweater monkey virus?"  
"No! What is it?!"  
"It's when your whole body starts shaking, and you look like you're crazy. Just like what you're doing. It's because your brain unit malfunctions."  
  
Dib just rolled his eyes and gritted his teeth. God did it hurt. He human boy got out of the car and ran back into the house, looking slightly weird as he did. Zim was getting mad. He wanted to learn how to drive, and in 10 minutes he'd only learned what a stick shift was.   
  
The Irken got out of the car, slammed the door, and walked into Dib's house. Gaz greeted him. A satisfied look was almost on her face. "So," she said maniacally, "You hit Dib in the balls? I congratulate you. He'll be hurting all weekend." She reached out and shook his gloved hand while continuing to play her GameSlave. Zim cocked an non-existent eyebrow at her. "Right."  
  
Zim ran up the stairs and to Dib's room. He frowned when he saw the 'Aliens Suck Space Balls' poster, but opened the door and ignored it. Dib lay on his bed, curled up into a little ball. He was still rocking back and forth. Zim hear a faint 'ow' coming from him.  
  
"Why are you taking a nap?!" Zim demanded. "You still have so much to teach me! Now get up Dib-human so we can finish this!"  
"Go away Zim!" Dib shot back at him.   
"No! I refuse to go away only knowing what a stick shift is!"  
"That's not a stick shift!" Dib exclaimed, pointing to his crotch area. "Why did you hit me... especially there?!" Zim blinked.  
"So I overreacted. And hitting you was good on my behalf! Now that I know I've hit you, I can now rejoice!" he said with a triumphant laugh.   
  
A blanket was pulled over Dib, and the boy turned away from Zim. "Go away! I'm not continuing with these whack ass lessons!" Dib screamed. Zim glared at him. "I'm not going anywhere until you're up! That way, I'll make sure we *do* continue the lessons," he said. The invader walked over to Dib's bed and sat on it.   
  
"Oh god no," Dib growled. He sighed heavily and pulled the covers up to his head. Fine, then. If Zim was going to wait, Dib was going to make him wait. Hopefully he'd be sleeping for quite a while. And hopefully when he woke up, Zim would be gone.  
  
~~~  
  
Okay, that's the end of part one. So, did you like it? Even a little? Do you think I should continue? It will get slashy, but I don't want them to just rush into things. And yes, I'm sorry this chapter's a bit short. Hopefully, they'll get longer. I was just so anxious to post this though! Well, so long for now.  
  
Zim says to review or he'll kill you. Aww, ain't that sweet? 


End file.
